I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
