i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
