dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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