i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
