I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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