you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize