Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
