If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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