I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
