So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
