When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
