She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
