my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
