my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
