he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
