his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
meet me or not, i'm out of control
this just has baby written all over it
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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