R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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