Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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