Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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