if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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