Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
