there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
