He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
