dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
