She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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