yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just forgot I was standing up.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
