apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
