the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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