it's too hot outside to masturbate.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Randomize
