i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
