he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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