i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Apparently you make a good broom.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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