I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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