i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Porn is love you can see.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
