Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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