I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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