Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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