he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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