I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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