I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
