Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
