I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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