Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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