I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
