my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
