I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
