a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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