so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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