He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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