I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
