There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
