oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize