well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
