I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
