if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
