somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
