pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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