someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
