he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
